My paintings lay scattered about untouched since I started the school year. Calling out asking just to be finished and sent out to their new homes. Others lay with all of the plans neatly organized ready to put paint to canvas. I tell myself each week I will come back I will paint I will listen, I will create, I will just be. I want to do so much but then I do what I don't want to do.
I tell myself I'm too busy, too tired, too....
I loose myself in some lesser thing. My mind craves creating. It craves playing my saxophone,sitting and journaling, just writing, painting, quieting. The change surrounds me, I love teaching, I live kids. But when I breath it I eat it, I dream it, talk about it there seems sometimes no escaping it sometimes. So I numb and tune into the Tv. What's going on in the world? Hmm... I forget the things I mean to do, to be.
How do I stop and find them again? Now as I have taken so much time away I must admit I am afraid to come back. What if it won't happen the way I thought. What will happen if I let the painting be what it wants to. Will they like it! Will it have any meaning. I'm afraid to know what I sound like on the saxophone now that I have been away so long... My tone will be awful... What if I have nothing to say...
But then I sit in my car and listen to Tango's by Astor Piazzolla, or now to iTunes contemporary classical radio, and I find joy, I find me in the middle, it seems to unravel a bit.
So here I am saying that I am committing to facing the fears from the time away in busy. I am going to commit to making a healthy choice for me, not to allow myself to take an easy out of nothingness. That I will choose to do what is best even if it may be scary, and try again. Finish what I have left undone, to find the next new path.
I would love to know if you have any suggestions of how you get back into the habit.