Pretending Mask

In the last two weeks I have had more time than I have had in months! A shocking sign of summer. I miss the hustle-bustel of school and events, moving and whirling through life. It seems easier to know my purpose and direction when there is always something to do.Then summer comes and all the exterior doing comes to a halt, this summer more than others it seems.

I have time to rest and think, to reflect more deeply, and it seems that I resist the blessing. God always has something to show me, but I am stubborn. I have been making an effort to enjoy and know I am not a human doing but a human being, that this Summer season often reminds me.

As I have reflected I have noticed the pretending mask has found its way out of the closet and onto my face in weaponry station. I've brought it up to guard myself from the shame of the past, and to help me to hide from the truth that there is still work to be done here.

My mask shows the brilliant colors of healing, works, and wonderful chameleon techniques. It boasts in rebellion, and laughs at lies. It pleases and proves itself to onlookers. Protecting the owner from seeing the shame, hurt, lies, and defeat of the present and past.

Now that I see the mask I can take it down and look around a bit. I am letting God in to help sift through the lies that have caused my eyes to be blinded from the difference between legalism and natural fuits of the Spirit, and reading the Bible on a regualr basis because of my love for Him and a genuine heart to grow, not because it is what a "good Christian" does. The lines are still blurry for me but I am beginning to see.

I want to be honest about where I am in my walk of Faith, and not feel ashamed of who I am. I want to know acceptance and patientce from the Church. I want to be secure in not having it all together.

One more step into living a life of courage.

Bird sitings!

I have been going on a lot of walks this spring on the wooded paths by my home. I will say that this year I have seen more birds than ever on my walks and have enjoyed the blessing of the presence ever so much!

I am starting to older if they are my "whale" or "starfish" like in the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. When I accepted my first teaching position just a few weeks ago, the minute I got off the phone with the principal I saw a hummingbird and a Baltimore oriole in our backyard at the same time! Previously I had not seen a hummingbird yet this season, and I have only once seen a Baltimore oriole at Grey's Lake in downtown Des Moines. 

Yesterday as I was working on a new painting I was thinking about how many birds I have seen this year and what a blessing it has been. Jesus letting me know He loves and cares for me. I was thinking how now I have seen all of the birds I have painted in several times except for an Indigo Bunting, and was wondering if I would ever see one, as they are not common I my area. 

I just couldn't help but sharing that this morning I saw my first Indigo Bunting as my mom and I were walking! I am so excited! She pointed out the little bluebird thinking maybe it was another Eastern bluebird that we had seen earlier in the month, but no there was the little deep bluebird, changing color as the sun hit his feathers from blue to black and back to brilliant blue! What a beautiful sight!

The morning for me was quite perfect sharing a long talk with my best friend to wake me up. Sharing our hearts, what Jesus is teaching us, and lifting each other up in prayer, couldn't be more refreshing and encouraging! The a nice shower and a beautiful walk with my mother sharing in fellowship, and a little gift of the Indigo Bunting siting!

I would love to hear about your "whales", "starfish", and Indigo Buntings God places in your life to remind you he loves you!

Violet-Backed Starling

Fierce Violet-Backed Starling © 2013

A friend and I are doing a painting swap. She wanted me to paint her this bird, while she does a quote painting for me that I chose. I titled it Fierce with the subtitle as the type of bird. My friend is drawn to fierce and bold things and I think she tries to live her life in a similar way, not always going with the norm but blazing her own path in life. I will share hers here once we swap!

A prayer on fear

Untitled © 2010

God you know my longing heart.

You hear my fear.

The numbing racing rumbling fear.

It takes my joy, it steals my peace.

It beckons unpleasant things.

It calls out to me with incessant desperation.

It starts with a whisper and ends with a scream.

That familiar scream, who's answer is an ending.

It questions every thought,

every move,

every choice,

with a painful critique.

But the irrational answer to its call.

In my silence I listen.

In my silence a no.

When in battle my Creator made me quiet.

In my silence my Creator has the power.

The storm,

the wind are His.

I am called to walk.

My hatred and pride I am told to drop.

Love and courage I am asked to take.

Here you are loved.

Here you are worthy.

Here you may be.

Remember the lessons of shame.

Remember the season's change won't damage.

the pain of a muscle growing.

The strength of your soul.

Hope to hold onto.

Here is My Spirit.

Courage Requires...

One of my absolute favorite quotes right now that I heard my first mentor teacher say to her students all of the time is;

"Who cares if we make mistakes, as long as we have courage."

I just think it is brilliant! What a wonderful ideology to instill into young minds! As this thought has percolated in me for the last 3 months, I come to more and more reasons that support the truth of it that resonates in my heart.

How have I learned the big lessons of life... by trying and making mistakes.
In music when I have I learned and created the most... by making big and confident choices.
How have I come to painting... by grabbing supplies and seeing where they lead me.
How have I made my closest friends... by not fearing taking a chance at sharing my heart.
How have I come to have faith... by admitting my humanity and having the courage to say I can't do it alone.

These are defining moments of who I am. This is where I have been me to the core of who I was created to be.

Often though the cloud of anxiety or fear speaks louder. It wins the call of my heart, it keeps me from learning, from joy, from love, from living. It will call the dark parts of my heart. It pulls up the walls. I am human, I am sinful, I do have faults.

So how do I choose courage? How do I choose to tell that voice the truth? In my search for the answer to these questions I made a list that you see in the photo, of what I believe courage requires. When there is a word that challenges me that I feel God calling me to, I often brainstorm a list of words that brings about a clear meaning of how I have seen this played out in my life or in the ordinary people in my life that inspire me. It helps me reach out to the tools to make the change in my heart, then my mind, then my actions.

I wanted to share this in hopes of inviting you to join me in choosing courage. I would love to hear your thoughts, words, or images of what courage is to you. What do you think courage requires?

To come a painting...

Breath

Breath © 2013 2.5x3.5"

I know this isn't like most of the stuff I do. I needed to just breath though. I needed to just create without the planing without all of the fine details. I needed to get out of my head, and release all of the creatures that were swimming in my mind.

Sometimes it is so easy to for me to get caught up in self-doubt an critisism. So I knew I had a to make an ATC for the monthly swap. (Thank goodness for these swaps they keep me painting even when life is sooo crazy! They have really been a blessing in disguise for me. J)

So I just went for it and grabbed the things that were closest to me, and just started to create. Releasing the scrambled thoughts of what is to come, job applications, test scores, insecurities, and faith struggles, to just be in the moment. Breathing and moving, creating. This was the end result.

Spreading Joy

Spreading Joy © 2013 8"x8"

This is a painting I created during student teaching at my elementary placement.

I created this piece as a thank you gift for my wonderful mentor teacher. I am so blessed to have been placed with her and in that school! I will feel forever indebted to her and my time there!

Thank you!