|Shame Covering © 2012 2.5x3.5"|
I can't seem to feel your touch,
as I close each opening door.
I can't seem to hear your voice,
as I choose to overhear.
I can't seem to find you,
As I run the other way.
This is a poem I wrote recently. As of recent I have been finding myself caught in the grasp of fear and self-condemnation. Soemtimes as I go to perform a peice the voice in my head echos "don't look like an idiot, or just don't embarris youself.." Then I get angry with myself and heap on more fuel to the fire of shaming myself.
I painted this starling to represent this cycle in me. I have always found it perplexing that these dirty black birds are called starlings. Maybe someone can clue me into the reason... When I condem myself I feel flithy and my mood becomes black. I kept the details on the bird very muted to represent the feeling of filth from my own negative self-talk.
Now that I have had some time to process away from some of my busy routine. I have been thinking a lot about where I am looking for help and how I am viewing my behaviors when I find myself in this place. This is where the poem comes in. Sometimes after I find myself running in this direction I know I haven't asked Jesus for help, and I haven't sought prayer from those who love me. I am ashamed of my weakness, and forget they already know I am flawed. I run away as they did in the garden. I fear My Creator's response. I forget to be humble, lost in pride, and to see my brokeness. God sees me and knows my needs. He sent His Son to take my sins. He knows I am a star with His power and grace. If I only look to Him and ask for the mecy I so desperatly need. If I listen to His voice about who I am and not choose the voice of the world.