Christmas hiatus

© 2012

I am sorry I have been neglecting you so much lately but life just seems to be getting in the way lately with little to no prep time. I have just been oober busy getting Christmas gifts ready. Which is the picture shown here of a tenor saxophone I did for my uncle who is also a saxophonist. His bachelor pad needed some more decoration he said. This painting has taken me a lot longer than most of my paintings do with such intricate detail, I probably spent close to 15 or 20 hours on it! Then the day after Christmas I was scheduled for a wisdom teeth consultation that was scheduled just on Christmas Eve. Then I promptly had them removed on the 27th and have been recovering slowly. Well I just thought I would share this latest painting, and let you know I. Haven't disappeared.

Flying Forward

Just thought I would share quickly what I have been working on. This is the unfinished painting I just started last week that represents the change from student to teacher that is beginning as I just finished my last week of finals ever!

Self Portrait

I though I would share a painting I did at the beginning of this year as the year closes. Besides I have been so busy lately with the end of the semester that I haven't had a lot of time to paint. Thus I am pulling out something I did awhile ago that I haven't shared yet.

Self Portrait © 2012

My original plan for this piece was to take many photos of myself and paint them one on top of the other until I made it to this last and most current photo, as a way to see my self through time, like a life map of sorts. I made many life maps during November through March. Somehow I didn't happen though. I think God knew I needed to see me in the now more at that moment. I needed to figure out who the new me was shaping out to be. He knew I could see who I was in the past but the current and the future were to hard for me to handle.

I don't know about you but I hate photos of my self, so it was a challenge to find one that I would be okay using. The photos I do like of myself aren't always the ones others would necessarily choose as characteristic of me either, but I guess that is what makes it a self-portrait. This photo was from a friend's wedding I attended in October of 2011. In the photo I was watching from behind in the crowd peering behind two bridesmaids. This pose is reminiscent of the purpose of the painting to give myself a look at who I am.

The twiggy stems represent the new growth of learning to set boundaries with others, after reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, along with a lot of other adaptations to the change. But the sycamore leaves represent the inner strength to move forward and the promise of more strength to come. At my college by the administration building there is a huge sycamore tree that I have fallen in love with that first came to mind when I started this work. I love how the tree has patches of exposed bark and battle scars from years gone by, that give it such visual interest.

My life was so raw then. So much had changed, and was still changing rapidly. I think of the second verse from Sara Grove's Rewrite this Tragedy:
"Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill
What of this makes us who we are
All that we love the most, all that we cannot let go
How much of change can we survive?"
I needed a way to see myself. To know that there was some constant, something to hold onto. I was changing and everything around me was simultaneously. I want to end by asking if you have ever struggle seeing who you are, and how you have coped with it?
Blessings,
Carliann

Flying Music

I have been so busy lately finishing up my semester. Last week I had my senior saxophone recital. It has been something that I have been looking forward to for a long time. I have been working so hard for it for so long now it seems strange that it is over now.

This painting I started the day of my recital as a way to keep myself focused and keep the nerves at bay. The bird in this painting is a yellow warbler, a song bird. I chose this bird to represent me a musician. Singing my heart out as it was created to do. I associated the word warbler with shaking which reminds me of nerves. I like this association because naturally I am a very anxious person. I have struggled with performance anxiety sense almost the moment I began playing the saxophone. This year has marked the beginning of me being able to manage my fear and rest it in Gods arms.

I chose the aspen leaves in the background because I have always loved the sound they make in the wind. As I painted I thought of the Holy Spirit is often manifested as wind in the Bible. I wanted to think of the Holy Spirit moving through me to show His grace as I played, and that He would provide me the strength, creating something beautiful for His glory.

Shame Covering

Shame Covering © 2012 2.5x3.5"

I can't seem to feel your touch,

as I close each opening door.

I can't seem to hear your voice,

as I choose to overhear.

I can't seem to find you,

As I run the other way. 

 This is a poem I wrote recently. As of recent I have been finding myself caught in the grasp of fear and self-condemnation. Soemtimes as I go to perform a peice the voice in my head echos "don't look like an idiot, or just don't embarris youself.." Then I get angry with myself and heap on more fuel to the fire of shaming myself. 

I painted this starling to represent this cycle in me. I have always found it perplexing that these dirty black birds are called starlings. Maybe someone can clue me into the reason...  When I condem myself I feel flithy and my mood becomes black. I kept the details on the bird very muted to represent the feeling of filth from my own negative self-talk. 

Now that I have had some time to process away from some of my busy routine. I have been thinking a lot about where I am looking for help and how I am viewing my behaviors when I find myself in this place. This is where the poem comes in. Sometimes after I find myself running in this direction I know I haven't asked Jesus for help, and I haven't sought prayer from those who love me. I am ashamed of my weakness, and forget they already know I am flawed. I run away as they did in the garden. I fear My Creator's response. I forget to be humble, lost in pride, and to see my brokeness. God sees me and knows my needs. He sent His Son to take my sins. He knows I am a star with His power and grace. If I only look to Him and ask for the mecy I so desperatly need. If I listen to His voice about who I am and not choose the voice of the world. 

Isaiah 58

Living with a Whole Heart

Living with a Whole Heart © 7.5x11.5"

This is my newest piece! I actually just finished it this afternoon. This work was inspired by Brené Brown's book I Thought it Was Just Me (But it isn't)  and Sara Groves's Loving a Person - Add to the Beauty.

I read Brené Brown's book this summer. I have never leaned so much about how shame can shape us as women! What a tough topic to divulge into and side by side with vulnerability, not something I would normally be drawn to, but  when I had a mentor suggest a few books to me this summer this is the one I knew I needed to read more than anything. I know shame is something that my heart struggles with deeply from childhood scars to finding acceptance.

I love how Brené Brown speaks of Wholehearted living. This is the inspiration for the title. Choosing to be fully you, and fully honest about who you are. There is such a fragility about choosing to not simply please the people around you and try to meet all of the standards that are thrust upon us. I liked how the size of the hummingbird can represents this frailty.

The female North American Hummingbird is flying with her breast open and her inner wing exposed to the viewer. The pose in itself represents the vulnerability of sharing who we are. We are open not only to receive empathy and strength, but it can also open us to rejection and hurt. Causing us to make a courageous choice.

As I went to paint the hummingbird I did my some research on the bird as I usually do before painting, and I came across some facts that made her even more of a perfect choice! I learned that hummingbirds have a large heart in comparison to their body weight of 1.75-2.5% of their total weight. They actually have the largest heart to body ratio of all the animal kingdom. I also found that as a hummingbird is in flight their heart rate is about 1,260 beats per minute, compared to that while resting as about 250 beats per minute. I couldn't help to think about the shear effort flight takes these creatures, but how beautiful it is to watch them whiz around as if they are dancing with the wind.

I think about the effort it takes to love someone, to meet them where they are, and to seek them out when they push you away. The effort it takes to admit I am wrong, that I have made a mistake, and most of all to ask for forgiveness. I think of the effort it takes to be real, to love myself, and to grow. I think of the effort it takes to reach down to my pain to provide empathy and understanding to another, or to simply let someone else know they aren't alone in their struggle. That moment of labor is worth the flight, it is worth the refreshment of my soul, it is worth the joy that follows. The knowing of finding purpose in my existence to worship and connect.

Obstruction of Fear

Fear and Viewpoint 2.5x 3.5" ©

I don't know if you have ever felt as if you were not true to yourself, or presenting the real you because of fear. In the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how my fear changes the way I act.

It has been so frustrating for me. I want to show others who I am from what I see myself as, but my fear gets in the way. I get jumpy, and the nerves take control. I second guess what I say, laugh at things I normally wouldn't, and lastly become over animated with everything. I feel like this anxiety is like a wall from authenticity, a wall from my soul.

I painted this image of the tufted titmouse as an example of this struggle in me. I thought this bird was fitting after watching it in the yard, and reading about it out of my Birds of Iowa book. This little bird is almost never found with others of its kind outside of mating season. I watched it flitter here and there with a group of sparrows, tossing seed in the air. I think that it is interesting how these little birds never seem to be found in groups of their own. I thought about my fear and how I feel that it isolates and keeps me from being apart of a group, flying solo for the most part. Then I added the brick as a symbol of the fear that is present surrounding certain situations in my life. I have the choice in how I react to the wall, thus the bird having the view of the wall and away.

It helped me just to get the ideas out. I reflected more on a current situation and how I could find a way to calm my soul, reach out and trust, set a boundary for safety, and be confidently me. I settled on seeking grace to move forward in prayer, giving me the courage and the strength to go back and try again. I sat on the truth of being loved by my Creator and Savior no matter what human opinion and opposition I face. I resolved to keep what is so raw and fragile to Jesus and my truest allied friends, those who know my heart so well. I kept this little card with me as I went onward as a reminder when I needed some strength, or was tempted to run backwards. There it was bringing me back, grounding my heart once again.

"The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul."
Psalm 19:7
Another good one to check out is Isaiah 52:1